Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Small penises have feelings too.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
