Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
