i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
