I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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