highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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