if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
