if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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