He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
