I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
