Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
