; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
