HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
