Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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