The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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