We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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