I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize