I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just had sex on a roof
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
