I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
