i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
