I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
