I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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