she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
