This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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