Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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