I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize