Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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