She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
