I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
