it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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