i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
