3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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