I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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