I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
