So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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