On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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