Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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