I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
