I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
i now understand why vodka
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize