i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
