When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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