By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
