Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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