I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
