My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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