Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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