Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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