Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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