Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
