Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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