Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
