And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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