It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize