I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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