My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
