The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
