you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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