Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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