I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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