I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
