If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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