There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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