The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
