hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
