Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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