We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
