he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
