You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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