i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
