I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
