I just pynch a tree in the face
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
