so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
