why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
