Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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